The Most Majestic Language

“It was well said of a certain German book that ‘er last sich nicht lesen’ – it does not permit itself to be read. There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told.”

First thoughts on the quote? No, not tonight. Tonight, we will go with the second thoughts. “Er last sich nicht lessen.” The Most Beautiful Language.... is NOT German. Now, tell me, how graceful was that message? German – the only language that murder can be committed through speech. May I just say that German has to be the most unattractive, unappealing, unharmonic, uneverything language that has ever existed. Even the peoples of Africa, with their combination of clicks, claps, whistles, and giggles have a more intuitive sounding language than that of Germany.

Now, when I would like a hot dog, why would I ever ask for “Un Veinershnitzel!” Let me analyze what is wrong with this statement FOR you. First, “hot dog”, as opposed to “Veinershnitzel!”, is thousands and thousands times more beautiful. Second, those two words have entirely too many syllables. Third, I did not make a mistake, nor did I place it for emotion, but the exclamation point (!) was necessary because almost EVERY aspect of the speech is yelling! They just go on and on with their voices raised to the rooftops (and you wonder why no other countries like them? It’s because their table manners are HORRENDOUS! No one wants to spend the time to truly get to KNOW them, so they just kinda stay away). And for my final point as to why this language is humanely inhumane, is that in order to say ANY German, like the one listed above, for example, you must make a face that resembles a sick cat. With the emotional emphasis and combination of untimely placed consonants, German facial expressions are priceless. Were I to ever go over there, the ONLY way I would enjoy myself is if I brought a camera and took pictures of people while they were talking. Can you say “Candid Camera every single second of my visit?!” Here is how conversations would go –

Noa – Do you speak ENGLISH?

German Broshnitzel – UN GORBONSTEIN BLITZKREIG VEIBEN...[interruption]--- *snap! (picture taken)*

Noa – Peace! *walk away*

And people wondered why Hitler was so terrible…. He went crazy over his fowl language! (Not cursing, it’s just that the language is so fowl, as a whole, it drove him insane.) Well, except for the whole “Holocaust” thing… That was probably a big reason, too. But the latter of the two reasons should not trump the previous one! Sorry to offend, by the way.